Tuesday, July 31, 2007


it's 334 in the morning.been up an hour and i know tomorrow will be hell. have heartburn and i imagine little tiny trolls with torches and pickaxes traveling up the CPAP tube crawling through my nose and down my throat. there is a leader who yells a direction and gets a chorus response in a helium pitch confirming the action. i turn to watch nancy sleep soundly trying to focus on her breaths as i watch an incredible curl fall down her back. I want to curl up into her but don't want to wake her. she'll be running 5 miles in a few hours. i wake a cat instead.fiona opens her belly up to me and purrs. i think about a dream i had last night - a new medical discovery that a fetus has the strength to grab your hand and pull you back into the womb with you it supposedly feels like experiencing God. hey, it's a dream! all i can do is describe it. means as much as the other dream i had— the one about me and nancy getting married and how i couldn't find any clothes to wear except for my old little league baseball uniform. in the dream i think it is funny but nancy...not so much.
my ADD rattled brain is spinning wildly as it goes through a random circle of topics from the rangers to geriatric diapers back to sports and and some cover design ideas. mental pinball. the thought of a round silvery ball makes me think of escher.i start to stare at the keyboard and see if i can form words by connecting keys that are next to each other but only get as far as typing that in for you to read. saw a video of myself and some close friends playing poker-took place in a another life back in nyc the night of a date with a former coworker whose incredible beauty intimidated me to complete insecurity and a frozen state. wish i had the confidence i sometimes feel now but that was part of a long path to the "here and now." wish it had gone better but when you feel like a dot of uniform complexity, impenetrable, only wanting acceptance, you can't possibly be open to just being who you are. nevertheless, an experience to hold onto one of a series of experiences that lead to the ones who followed, other mild disasters, falling for the right ones at the wrong time, the wrong ones at just the right time. I feel like getting up and walking in the back of the house in the wet grass - I fantasize about having a caveman battle with one of the the coy dogs that lurk back there at night and it makes me laugh as i picture myself doing battle in the shale blue boxer briefs i am wearing and envisioning the slow-mo undulations of my central new york gut. after an even battle, bloodied and caked in mud i make friends with the coy dog and ride him like a horse in the woods. ruling and proud of our domain. my typing makes nancy stir and i yawn. twice. we made vegan blueberry pancakes for dinner. my thoughts float upwards as i am flying on a billowing sheet over india with salman rushdie. we fly over a crowd of people trying to break the Guinness world record for the largest naan bread ever made. i see how high i can get it to fly and think of icarus and chuck yeager and how i better not push the limit.


H3NR7 said...

That's nice.
You're up all night writing and I'm up all night reading. That was a good read.
It reminds me of one night, I dreamt I was eating a gigantic marshmallow. I woke up with my pillow in my mouth.

Simone said...

You have an amazing mind. So fast moving. I'd like to come inside for awhile 'Being John Malkovich' style. But where would the portal drop me at the end? And then how would I then get home?

H3NR7 said...

If only that portal could transport me from LIC to ITHACA. That would be cool. But then I would have to get inside of Scott. And that would not be too cool.
Seriously, that was a fascinating stream of mind and words. I'll set it to a beat and make a movie out of it.