insomnia

it's 334 in the morning.been up an hour and i know tomorrow will be hell. have heartburn and i imagine little tiny trolls with torches and pickaxes traveling up the CPAP tube crawling through my nose and down my throat. there is a leader who yells a direction and gets a chorus response in a helium pitch confirming the action. i turn to watch nancy sleep soundly trying to focus on her breaths as i watch an incredible curl fall down her back. I want to curl up into her but don't want to wake her. she'll be running 5 miles in a few hours. i wake a cat instead.fiona opens her belly up to me and purrs. i think about a dream i had last night - a new medical discovery that a fetus has the strength to grab your hand and pull you back into the womb with you it supposedly feels like experiencing God. hey, it's a dream! all i can do is describe it. means as much as the other dream i had— the one about me and nancy getting married and how i couldn't find any clothes to wear except for my old little league baseball uniform. in the dream i think it is funny but nancy...not so much.
my ADD rattled brain is spinning wildly as it goes through a random circle of topics from the rangers to geriatric diapers back to sports and and some cover design ideas. mental pinball. the thought of a round silvery ball makes me think of escher.i start to stare at the keyboard and see if i can form words by connecting keys that are next to each other but only get as far as typing that in for you to read. saw a video of myself and some close friends playing poker-took place in a another life back in nyc the night of a date with a former coworker whose incredible beauty intimidated me to complete insecurity and a frozen state. wish i had the confidence i sometimes feel now but that was part of a long path to the "here and now." wish it had gone better but when you feel like a dot of uniform complexity, impenetrable, only wanting acceptance, you can't possibly be open to just being who you are. nevertheless, an experience to hold onto one of a series of experiences that lead to the ones who followed, other mild disasters, falling for the right ones at the wrong time, the wrong ones at just the right time. I feel like getting up and walking in the back of the house in the wet grass - I fantasize about having a caveman battle with one of the the coy dogs that lurk back there at night and it makes me laugh as i picture myself doing battle in the shale blue boxer briefs i am wearing and envisioning the slow-mo undulations of my central new york gut. after an even battle, bloodied and caked in mud i make friends with the coy dog and ride him like a horse in the woods. ruling and proud of our domain. my typing makes nancy stir and i yawn. twice. we made vegan blueberry pancakes for dinner. my thoughts float upwards as i am flying on a billowing sheet over india with salman rushdie. we fly over a crowd of people trying to break the Guinness world record for the largest naan bread ever made. i see how high i can get it to fly and think of icarus and chuck yeager and how i better not push the limit.